


love will hurt you so bad

by Ffwydriad



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Gen, Mighty Nein as Family, Platonic Soulmates, Soulmates, at everyone replying to this saying it hurts...ye that's literally in the title my dudes <3, minor depictions of violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 13:09:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19870174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ffwydriad/pseuds/Ffwydriad
Summary: soulmates, it's said, help you share the pain.the mighty nein are soulmates.





	love will hurt you so bad

**Author's Note:**

> i love soulmate aus. i love all of them. but there's something so fun about soulmates sharing pain, especially with a group like the mighty nein. 
> 
> this can be read as platonic or romantic as you like.

"Holy fucking shit, that hurt," Beau says, as they make their way back to the tavern. "I need a drink."

"A drink sounds good," Fjord says. 

"I can't believe I didn't notice we were soulmates before!" Jester says cheerfully. "We've been travelling together for like forever, you would think I would have picked that up."

"It's kind of hard when you're not in a fight," Beau points out. "I mean, even then, it didn't click until I felt you going down."

"This is good though!" Jester says. "Because I learned healing magic so I could look out for my soulmates because you guys kept getting hurt, and now I can keep you safe!" She's grinning as they sit down at the table. "And I found you guys so quickly, too. I mean, we met like a few days after I left my Momma's."

"Are we soulmates too?" Fjord asks Beau. 

Beau frowns, and prods at one of her bruises sharply, watching Fjord wince in turn. "Looks like it," she says, frowning. "You're the sword fighter, right?"

Fjord frowns in concentration. "No," he says. "I only got this recently. I'm new to all of this. I was just a sailor."

"You're the sailor, then," Beau says, nodding. "That makes sense."

"So there's someone else out there," Jester says. "Who uses a sword. Oh! Maybe we're all going to team up and be adventuring heroes or something. Wouldn't that be so romantic-"

"Soulmates are platonic," Beau says quickly. 

"I meant, like, romantic like a novel, not, like, we'd all be in love with eachother or anything," Jester says. "Although I think I want to fall in love with one of my soulmates because there's such a special bond there, you know?"

Fjord and Beau both look away, and take a long cool sip. 

"Are either of you the ones with the fire?" Jester asks, then.

They both shake their heads, and remember the feeling of fire on their skin, the feeling of being burned alive. 

The shudder that passes through all of them is interrupted by the feeling of crossbow bolts imbedded in flesh, and for the first time, they bear the phantom pain together. 

* * *

Fjord has always had a connection to his soulmate, for as long as he can remember. They're close in age, he can tell, from the few bits of pain sent his way. Small cuts and bruises, the worst from what he thinks is falling out of a tree. They're the sort of injuries that kids get playing, and he thinks his soulmate probably has a happy life. Better than his, at least. 

He feels bad for the injuries he sends back, over the link. His soulmate has a happy life, and doesn't deserve the feeling of getting pounded by fists into the ground, doesn't deserve to feel black eyes and broken teeth. Doesn't deserve having to deal with him. 

At least when he starts working as a sailor, that lessens, which is a good thing, because that's when his soulmate's life goes to hell. 

He doesn't know what kind of life his soulmate leads, and he doesn't really want to. He feels blades cut into his skin, and tries to pretend they're just a sword fighter, even though he knows there's cuts that don't make sense for a fight mixed in with the ones that do. He tries to think they have a life full of adventure, instead of what he thinks must be the case. 

He really, really doesn't think about what it means when his soulmate gives birth. He hopes for the best. 

When he drowns, the feeling is familiar. He's felt his soulmate drown twice before, after all. Maybe that's why he doesn't feel too bad, sending that pain back their way. 

* * *

"Do you _have_ to cut yourself to do magic?" Fjord, asks as they're let out from the jail, just barely. 

"Yes," Molly says. "And trust me, it feels much better than when I die because i didn't activate my magic swords."

"At least now we know who the sword fighter is," Jester hums. 

"I was really hoping it was Yasha," Beau grumbles. 

"It might be," Molly says. "She's my soulmate, after all, and if we're all each other's soulmates, then I don't see why she couldn't be as well."

"If both of you are the sword fighter then that explains a lot," Jester says. "Because there was a lot of fighting but if there was two people then that's a lot better, yeah?"

"Sure," Molly says. 

"I hope Yasha's okay," Jester says. "She just ran off and I hope she isn't hurt too badly. Especially if you guys got attacked on the way into town because that's a lot of hurt."

"Yasha's strong," Molly tells them. "And we didn't get attacked last night."

"But did you feel it?" Fjord asks. 

"Sure," Molly says. "There's nothing better than trying to pick someone up and then feeling a crossbow bolt."

"Oh good," Beau says. "More fucking soulmates."

"You're the one who said that we're platonic," Molly points out, and he and Jester both laugh. Beau shoots them a death glare. 

"I wonder if it's Nott and Caleb," Jester says. "It would be nice if we all got to be soulmate best friend adventurers forever."

* * *

Yasha is the one who teaches him what soulmates are. He hadn't really considered it. The phantom pains in those two years were more subtle. He'd thought they were just memories, or another weirdness from whatever the fuck was up with his body. He'd thought the drowning was just another memory of waking up in a grave. 

This isn't anything that belongs to the person who isn't him. Yasha remembers feeling cuts that weren't her own, but only in the arms, not scattered all over the body. The pain, the soulmates, these are his. They're his and nothing but his, and he relishes in that fact. 

They work out quickly that the pain they feel is all the same. She tells him stories, from what she remembers, which is full of holes.

Sometimes he wishes that she was the only one, because it would be so much easier. He wishes he could be able to track all her injuries when she was out of sight, instead of wondering what feeling was hers and what feeling was from the strangers that destiny had tied to him. 

Maybe it's better, not having the ability to worry over her too closely. Yasha can take care of herself, after all, something these other fuckers surely can't. 

Two of them nearly die in one day, or may one nearly dies twice, and he grips Yasha's hand through the pain until the feeling of a potion bottle and healing comes, both times. He tries to place into feelings what he feels, about these soulmates. They seem like interesting people, at least. 

And then, it doesn't matter what he thinks of them, because suddenly, they're there. 

* * *

If it isn't clear that Caleb and Nott are their soulmates during the fight with Kylre - and it isn't, not really, not with how hectic that whole encounter is - then it becomes pretty clear for all of them after the fight with the bandits.

"You know, when we were talking about soulmates," Jester says, "you could have maybe mentioned the fact that you were also our soulmates, you know."

"I thought you knew," Caleb mutters. "I thought that was why you let us join, no?"

He pulls another crossbow bolt out of him, and they all wince just a little bit. The pain isn't distracting during a fight, but now, as they're all just getting ready, it's hard to pay attention to anything else. 

Nott's the one who brings up the fact that they're the ones who got into the fight, the night before they all met up, and that Caleb was the one on death's door, which isn't surprising, because Caleb's the one who's always at a risk of falling over dead, it seems. 

"I guess this is all of us then," Beau says.

"Six soulmates is a lot," Fjord says. 

Nott rubs at her hands and doesn't say anything to that.

* * *

Veth Brenatto grew up with soulmates who were trouble, which was probably alright because she was trouble too. One of them was getting bullied. She didn't ever get punched as hard as he did, but she knows the feeling of too many people ganging up on you .

One of them was a hero, who fought with swords and wasn't very good at it. 

The other one was a chemist, which she knew because she felt the acid fall onto his arms. It didn't take her very long to figure out it was Yeza. 

Yeza didn't have another soulmate, which was kind of worrying, but it didn't matter, because Yeza was the one she was in love with. Yeza was the one she was marrying. Yeza was the one who she had a child with. 

Veth Brenatto died. She drowned. 

Nott woke up a goblin, and she held on to every sword cut and every acid burn like a lifeline, because it meant her soulmates were still her soulmates. It meant that she was still Veth, despite everything. 

She has a talk with Caleb, about the fact they're soulmates, very quickly into their partnership. 

She doesn't know what she expected, but she can't help but feel happy, about the fact he felt her drowning. He isn't the one with the swords, and she wonders if she and Yeza share a soulmate after all, briefly, but he's never felt acid on his hands. It's good, at least, because she's able to confirm what injuries are Yeza's and what injuries belong to the other soulmate they share. Yeza has some minor lab mistakes, but nothing major, and after so long panicking over the second drowning it comes as a relief. 

She also asks if he felt Luc being born - not in those words, exactly, but still. He confirms that he felt it, and he says it like he's talking about the soulmate they share. He never says anything, but she gets the feeling he suspects it's her. If he does, he never asks about it, and she never tells. 

* * *

The fight with the Manticore is the toughest yet. They've already fought a lot of gnolls, and they plan on just running, but that doesn't work. Fjord is frozen in place and they all feel the stiffness in their bones. Nott goes unconscious with sharp teeth into her side and Jester falls down at an agonizing touch. 

But they're fine. Fjord moves again, and Jester is pulled up with a health potion - they're all getting used to the second hand feeling of a health potion being shoved into someone's mouth - and she brings Nott up, and they're fine. 

What lingers, afterwards, isn't the pain. It isn't the feeling of being torn apart in the jaws of an angry manticore. It isn't any of what was shared through the bond. 

Caleb lights the priest on fire, and goes catatonic, and there is the soft, familiar echo of fire on skin, too distant to be anything Yasha is feeling, to be anything more than a memory. 

Molly moves quickly, where the rest of them all stumble, for a moment, distracted by the feeling and by the memories it stirred. He slaps Caleb in the face, and brings him back to reality, and it's as if they're all brought back to reality, and everything continues as normal. 

They don't say anything - or, at the very least, they don't say anything where he can hear it - but they each make a small, silent note, that Caleb must be the one with the fire. 

* * *

Jester's first memory is the fire. 

She's four years old, at the time, and she doesn't remember it well, but she remembers the feeling of burning and she remembers sitting in the bath and crying for her momma and trying to make the feeling of burning go away.

Her mother tells her that that year is the hardest, of raising her. That's the problem with soulmates so much older than you - at least, she hopes her soulmate is older - because your body isn't used to any pain let alone what they're going through. She doesn't remember much of it, does't remember much more than the fire, but for years after the feeling of a blade cutting into her skin is always compared to a half-remembered pain that was much worse.

Her soulmate keeps getting into trouble, and so she makes sure that all the trouble she gets into doesn't hurt at all, because they've gone through enough pain that they don't need any more. And the Traveler teaches her how to heal, so that she can make her soulmate hurt less, when they finally meet up. 

She makes sure to protect them. Even when she's rushing into danger right beside them, she makes sure to protect them. Because her soulmates have been hurt enough already, and they don't need to hurt anymore. 

* * *

What exactly counts as pain is an interesting distinction. Molly feels the familiar low watery burn of a hot bath, when he guides the Mighty Nein to the bathhouse, and is utterly unsurprised to find Yasha is there waiting for them. The warmth feels more like a comfort than a pain, but it shares across the bond easily enough, which is good until the bath water gets refreshed, and then it's good again. 

They talk a bit, about being soulmates, and a bit about what they intend to do in Zadash, and other spare bits of catching up, while they're in the baths. 

The feeling of sewer much doesn't translate, thankfully, but the feeling of being slammed against a wall very much does, and Molly can feel the others looking his way, as he lets Caleb go. Being drunk never transfers, but hangovers always do, even the parts beyond the straight up headache, which always makes for a delightful morning after the group has gone out drinking. 

The heat of a fire that isn't quite touching you transfers, as does the feeling of being smothered to death by a rug and every other horrible sensation to come out of that disaster of a raid. It's useful, though, because Fjord and Molly both know in an instant when things start turning south, and it makes their escape into the sewer tunnels all the more easier. 

The massage counts as pain enough to transfer, but the _massage_ slips by without crossing the bond, which is just fine for all of them thank you very much. 

* * *

Yasha wishes she could tell her soulmates to find a safer profession than adventurer. Molly talks to her about how much money they've been making, but she's felt the pain of a soulmate dying, before, and it isn't worth it. Nothing is worth that.

Her heart skips a beat, every time she feels them get close, only to be pulled back from the brink. She thinks they will be safe, in the city, and then there is the fire - and she is missing a great deal of time but she remembers the feeling of the fire - and she resolves, when she feels that, to stay by their side. 

From the start, she had known that she had soulmates other than Zuala, while Zuala had no soulmates beside her. She hadn't wanted them. After Molly, she had accepted them, but Molly was different. Even now, as she grows to care for them, she can't help but keep them at a distance. 

Death touches everything she loves, and so being close to them is the most dangerous thing she can do. But she can't help herself. She wants to keep them safe. 

Fighting alongside soulmates is a familiar comfort. She remembers it with Zuala. They trained to fight together, and went on so many hunts, side by side. Reading the battlefield through another's pain is second nature, to her, and it becomes so much easier, bonded to all of the Mighty Nein. Even with her eyes closed, she could track the progress of the battle around her based on nothing but their pain. 

In her rage, she sees red, and there is no difference between hurting her and hurting those she loves. She lets those injuries propel her, and she strikes forward, fiercely, full of anger, and bloodlust, and the deep burning desire to never feel that pain of loss again.

* * *

She knows she should probably feel guilty, spending the afternoon training with Dairon. She doesn't give a fuck, how much it hurts her, but after everything, it's hard to feel the same way about sharing those injuries with the Mighty Nein. 

Darion sees her reservation, and takes it for fear, at first. They talk, a bit, about soulmates and soulbonds. Dairon still beats the shit out of her, but she puts up a pretty good fight, and she doesn't feel as guilty about it, not after everything she learns, from training. 

"A soulmate is a dangerous thing," Dairon tells her. "Especially when you have a warrior's bond. It is a sign that these friends of yours are loyal. It is a sign that they would die for you, and that you would die for them, and that is the most dangerous thing of all."

There are soulmates who learn to send things other than pain. There are soulmates who learn to share further sensation, further emotion. There are even those, with great focus and training, who are able to send thoughts across the bond. 

She tells the others this, because it's useful, but she's more than a little bit grateful that it doesn't work. 

The fact that they can share her pain is personal, more than she ever wanted, and the idea that they might be able to feel other things as well is terrifying. Emotions are a private thing, and even if they're soulmates, she wants it to stay that way. 

* * *

The Cobalt Soul fucking sucks, but they teach her a lot. Most of it flies right over her head, because she doesn't give a fuck, but they teach her a bunch of stupid warm up stretches that she doesn't ever forget, and they teach her how to investigate. She groans through the entire process, but it's really fucking useful. 

She knows more about her soulmates than they know about her, she's fairly certain. 

Each sensation is different, and she tracks them until she can build up a proper profile of each of them. There's the fighter, who she's always known, from slashes against her skin. She can pick out the feeling of straining muscles. They fight with something heavy, a greatsword or a battle axe, and rush into danger with no sense of self, taking a heavy beating while still standing. 

The other clear one is the sailor. She gets used to the feeling of rope burns on her hand, of splinters and the discomfort of sleeping in a hammock. The sailor isn't very good because they drown two - no three times, and she has a coughing fit each time. 

There's the chemist. That one's the hardest to pick out, takes the most focus. There are spare drops of acid on exposed skin and hands pressed to too hot glassware and then pulled away. The chemist doesn't make mistakes often, but when they do, they're memorable. 

There's the mother. Childbirth is the worst fucking pain she's ever felt and firmly cements her desire to never go through that herself because the bond dampens pain, and even dampened it's fucking hellish. The mother has simple pain, small clawing hands and stubbed toes and cooking burns and Beau wonders how the fuck she'd ever meet up and be soulmates with someone so normal. 

The last one she's able to pick out is the wanderer. She says wanderer, but she means hobo. She remembers the feeling of sleeping outside in the cold. She remembers what it feels like to live half-starved. The wanderer gets shoved around a lot, she thinks. At least once, they get thrown into a stockade. 

At least that ones more familiar. She can guess why she might befriend a mercenary, and she can kind of see a sailor, if they came north into the Empire, running in circles that she's used to, but the mom and the chemist are so strange and out there. But a homeless vagabond criminal type? That's exactly the sort of person that she's familiar to. She's not meant for anything great, and it makes sense that her soulmates are just as shitty as she is. 

* * *

"You want in to the Library?" Beau asks. "Tell me why you're afraid of fire."

They sit in a fancy hotel, him and Beau and Nott. 

"Let me tell you the story," Caleb says, "of how I murdered my parents."

* * *

He adapted faster than the others, to the pain of their tests. He has spent the past year growing used to the feeling of swords through flesh, and so the crystals do not bother him as much as they do Astrid and Eodwulf. 

The three of them are not soulmates. He wishes that they were. He does not want to be bonded to anyone other than the two of them. For all that Ikithon tells them that having soulmates from other backgrounds will be useful, he wishes for it all the same. 

And then he stops wishing for much of anything. Stops feeling anything, but the pain. 

He doesn't learn until much later that his soulmates - that the Mighty Nein - felt that night. He hadn't actually been burned, by the fire. He'd never touched the flames, and so any literal pain must have been nothing more than the heat, must have been no more than the pain that came with any casting of firebolt. No, what they felt was him breaking, and they felt it as if he burned alive, which is about what it had felt for him, when it felt like anything at all. 

When he tells Beauregard his past, in exchange for access to the Library, he watches her calculate what it means. She would have been a child, when he went through training, and he feels a pang of guilt for the pain she would have gone through - the pain Jester must have gone through, even younger. She puts everything together with little help. 

And she hugs him, despite all the pain he has caused her. And she forgives him, despite the fact he is unforgivable. 

The fact he has soulmates at all is more than he ever deserves. The fact he has soulmates who understand is like a knife to his throat.

* * *

They all wake up in pain, the night that the slavers take Yasha and Jester and Fjord. They wake up with stiff muscles that won't go away, and wrists rubbed raw already, and throats parched, and they know in an instant what must have happened. 

It doesn't go away. It doesn't let up. There is a constant, painful reminder of what they are missing, of what they have to save. 

The worst pain they have ever felt lingers.

And then Lorenzo gets his hands on Yasha, and the constant pain turns from a dull, exhausting ache to something sharp and driving, that keeps them moving forward, undaunted. 

* * *

Caduceus’ soulmates are adventurers. 

He had a feeling that’s what they would be, growing up. They seemed interesting, and it made sense, that he was destined to be bonded with a group of heroes. He feels them training, in their various skills, and when he is alone, he feels them fighting together as a team. Trying to understand the fights when he can’t see anything, can only feel their injuries, is an interesting sensation, but it is a good exercise to fill his time as he tends to the garden, alone. 

Maybe that is why he is the last one here, because he will welcome his soulmates into the Grove and join them on their questing. The world is a dangerous place to traverse, and it is safer to do so with those you are close to. 

He feels them grow stronger, the hits they take deeper. He feels them go through what seems to be the greatest pain imaginable, and he knows that they are close. 

He waits for fate to lead them to him, and prepares himself for where destiny shall bring them.

**Author's Note:**

> the best/worst part of any soulmate au is dealing with caduceus. and specifically what happens right before caduceus. which is, in this au, nothing, obviously. everything is fine. everything is fine.
> 
> i'm @malaismere on tumblr, feel free to come yell at me about critical role, soulmate aus, or how much you hate having emotions because damn boi do i relate


End file.
